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Even if You don't...
The first time I heard Mercy Me’s new song, “Even If” was on March 17, 2017. I know it seems odd that I would remember the exact date that I heard a specific song, but you’ll understand later on as to why. I’m a lyrical listener and appreciated the lyrics alluding to the infamous Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
If you are unfamiliar with the story and want to read it in its entirety, here ya go:
In short, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refused to bow down to a statue that King Nebuchadnezzar had built. The three men were threatened to be thrown into a blazing furnace if they did not comply.
“Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:16-18, NIV with emphasis added)
The King was so angry at this point that he ordered the furnace to be turned up seven times hotter than usual! Some of the king’s strongest soldiers were told to throw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into the fire, but it was so hot, the soldiers died in the process of putting the men in the furnace.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego fell into the furnace, and yet, miraculously…they did not die! The king exclaimed that he saw four men in the furnace, and called for the men to come out of the furnace; there was no evidence that the flames had even touched them! They had been protected. They had been saved.
This incredible miracle changed many hearts! King Nebuchadnezzar praised the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego – The one true, living God.
WHAT.A. STORY! It’s literally one of my favorites of all time.
What joy life brings when we can experience God’s miracles!
BUT
What if God doesn’t?
What if God doesn’t save us from the fiery flames of the furnace?
What if God doesn’t save a loved one from dying?
What if God doesn’t deliver what we think we so desperately need?
What if God doesn’t cure our disease?
What if?
Then what?
2017 hasn’t been easy for me or for many of the people I love most in this world. The year started off early with the death of a young woman, Jess, who I knew from my hometown.
Her passing was shortly followed by the death of my grandpa, my number one fan. I watched, for what seemed like a lifetime, as they worked to restart his heart in the ER, as the love of his life and eldest daughter watched, too. We just cried and prayed. I’ll never forget when the doctor came out and told us that he had passed away. They tried so hard to keep him on this side of heaven, but unfortunately (for us) he was gone just ten days short of his 80th birthday and almost one year after my aunt, his youngest daughter, passed away. We buried him on my birthday.
My PaPa loved Jesus and I know he is in heaven, and I can’t wait for the day that I get to see him again.
God did not choose to save my grandpa that day.
A little more than a month later in March, I got a text message from my dear friend Joey that read: “Pray for Vinita. She was in a bad car accident. She’s unconscious, has a broken arm, but the medic said she’s going to be alright.”
I called Joey and Simeon (two of Vinita’s brothers) to get a more in depth report. They told me as much as they knew, and I told them to keep in touch and that I would be praying. Oh, I prayed.
I hopped in the shower and minutes later heard my phone ringing. It was Simeon. My heart began to pound; I knew something wasn’t right. What Simeon told me confirmed my fears. I asked him what he needed, and he told me to meet him in Abilene, where Vinita had been careflighted. Zach, my husband, and I packed as quickly as we could and hit the road.
The hours that followed were some of the longest of my life. Waiting is hard when a precious life you love hangs in the balance. I called my best friends in California and kept them updated. I sat with a room full to the brim with people who loved Vinita and Jakob (another sweet soul who had been in the accident). I prayed so much that God would save these lives. However, things did not look promising for Vinita. Test results came back and confirmed everyone’s worst fear: Unless God chose to perform a Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego type of miracle, Vinita wasn’t going to make it. That Mercy Me song played in my head and in my heart so loudly.
God did not save Vinita.
Her beautiful family allowed us to be with them until Vinita’s (beautiful Bonita’s) last breath. I will never forget that, as it is forever ingrained into my being.
The days that followed were a fog. Some of the people I loved most in the world were hurting; they were broken, so so broken – and I, being the fixer that I am, couldn’t do anything to mend their hurt no matter how hard I tried.
Her family and friends lost a daughter, sister, best friend, teammate, coworker, and just all around beautiful soul during that tragedy.
If that wasn’t enough, a week later, another one of the precious young souls in the accident, Jakob, passed from this world into Jesus’ arms.
Despite the progress that was shown, God didn’t save Jakob.
I didn’t mention that that made three deaths of beloved people from my hometown in less than three months – I attended three funerals in my high school auditorium in a matter of months…
As the weeks turned into months, the fog seemed to lift slightly. I still questioned. I still wondered why. I still haven’t processed the devastating loss that wreck brought into so many hearts, including my own. (Do you ever really process?)
May 5, 2017 was a special day, and in the moment, I didn’t realize how special it truly was. As a teacher, I had been given tickets to a hometown arena football game where they would be celebrating Teacher Appreciation Week. I saw so many friends and coworkers, including friends from our church Lifegroup: Matt, Alyssa, Jackie, and Dustin. I watched at halftime as these friends competed in a tug-o-war competition along with my husband and some other friends from church, Jesse and Tori. I laughed and laughed, just as did they.
We waved good-bye to those same friends during the third quarter of that game, and headed home for the evening.
The next day would forever change us all.
On Saturday May 6th, I heard that Alyssa had passed away and immediately called one of my best friends, Jenny. The news was unbearable. Ironically enough as I was talking to Jenny, I sat at the bistro table in my kitchen and saw a letter that read, “Alyssa” on the top.
I never gave her that letter and now it was too late.
Alyssa was an original member of our LifeGroup. She and her husband Matt were a part of the group we call Framily: The friends who chose to be family. And that’s what we were. We started with three couples and quickly grew to five. From there our group took off and grew rapidly. We loved each other well and fell into a rhythm of community that was and is a sweet and beautiful depiction of the church without walls.
However, despite the beauty of community, life throws curveballs, hits you unexpectedly, and isn’t always easy.
Our friend, Alyssa was hurting. She suffered from depression, a mental illness not all understand the severity of. We tried to walk with Alyssa through this. We texted her, hung out with her, prayed with and for her. We loved her very much (how could you not? She loved so fiercely! She was kind, funny, bubbly, encouraging, and personified the color pink.) I know she loved us, too.
God did not save Alyssa.
Matt, Alyssa’s husband asked members of our Lifegroup to do the music for Alyssa’s service.
“Even If” was the opening song.
I never imagined back in mid-March when I heard that song for the first time how much it would end up meaning to me.
Over the past few months, I’ve been learning about God in ways that hurt, but are necessary in order to fully know and trust him. I’d like to share what I’ve learned about who God is but first I need to be honest:
There have been times when I have been downright angry and asked God, “Why?” Why would You continue to allow these things to happen? Why would You, in Your infinite power and wisdom, allow people I love to die, for people I love to break? Why would You choose not to save when You could in less than an instant? Why?
If God is good then why doesn’t He always save those that He loves? That we love? He is the God of miracles; isn’t He?
If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve probably wondered the same things I have.
In my limited knowledge and wisdom, but in my heart of hearts, I choose to believe that God allows things to happen for a much bigger picture than we could ever see. Our hurt, our pain, our suffering, can all be used for God’s glory. God never intended for us to have to die. He never wanted us to have to hurt. He never wanted us to experience the gut wrenching, heart breaking devastation of loss.
Romans 6:23 states: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)
We often forget that Jesus encountered the greatest loss of all when He gave his son Jesus as the perfect atoning sacrifice for our sins.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.” (John 3:16-17)
For me to think for a moment that God doesn’t see me, love me, and hurt with me, contradicts the very nature of who God is. There are two paths we can take when we face hardship (even unbelievably, heartbreaking, soul crushing, “how in the world can I possibly make it through this?” hardship)
We can believe the lie that God is not good
Or we can trust that even when he doesn’t…He is still good. He is Sovereign. He cares.
I want to encourage you today and tell you that He knows. He sees you. He knows your heart because he created it. He cares for you. He didn’t intend for you to hurt like this. Though He could have stopped it, He didn’t, and no matter how dark it seems, you have to trust that He has a plan and can use our broken pieces for his glory.
I choose to believe that even if he doesn’t…. My heart is His, and I will trust Him.
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand,
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone.
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word,
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone. - Mercy Me